Vision: A Resource for Writers
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Anatomy of a Critique
By Chelley Parks
Ann smiled as the sun sank over the Montana horizon. Feeling tired, Ann sat wearily on a bale of hay. Watching the horses graze in the distance, she sighed. **(This sentence isn't necessary and too flowery for the theme of the story.) <author snips> Feeling tired Ann sat wearily on a bale of hay. Watching the horses graze in the distance, she sighed. **Take out ing words. It's not necessary to know that she sighed. Too many details clutter the story. <snips> Tired, Ann sat wearily on a bale of hay, watching the horses graze in the distance. **Take out ly word. <snips> Tired, Ann sat on a bale of hay, and watched the horses graze in the distance. **'Ed words makes it passive. <snips> Tired, sat on a bale of hay to watch the horses craze in the distance. **Who sat on a bale of hay? Why are the horses craze? Should that be crazed? (Author grumbles over fumble fingers during editing.) Tired, Ann sat on a bale of hay to watch the horses graze in the distance. **Why was Ann tired? She wasn't in the prior sentence. Why did you take the part out about the sun? I thought it was pretty. <snips> Ann sat on a bale of hay to watch the horses graze in the distance. **Can't you pick a better verb than sat? <snips> Ann sank onto a bale of hay to watch the horses graze in the distance. **There's too much horse related stuff. Not every one knows about horses. <snips> Ann sank onto the ground to watch the distance. **By the way it should be Ann sank *to* the ground. <snips> Ann sank to the ground. **Why? What does the ground have to do with horses? <snips> Ann sank. **How'd she get in the water? I thought she was in Montana. Illogical leap of scene switching. **Perfect. Noun and verb. Bravo. **Your writing is too sparse, plump it out a bit. **you have little or no punctuation in your sentence. **poor scene setting and character development. I know nothing about Ann other than she can't swim. Ann smiled as the sun sank over the Montana horizon. Feeling tired, Ann sat wearily on a bale of hay. Watching the horses graze in the distance, she sighed. **Where's Montana? --
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